Adjusting to the demands of pregnancy and the new baby is hard. Change is always hard. But you’ve already been in a season of change for nine months. How you do going forward is a reflection of how you’ve done recently. If you have been sensitive, hard-working, and responsive to your wife’s needs during the pregnancy up until this point, then you are probably well-trained to adapt to her needs and the needs of the baby in this new stage of their lives. If you’ve ignored or pressured your spouse to be just as productive and engaged as she was before she got pregnant, then watch out! You’re in for even more tension and rougher waters. Start serving her now. Be sensitive to her extra needs, take advantage of moments to refresh and refill yourself, and remember: she is the weaker vessel. You are designed to bear this load. It won’t last forever. Be ok with working extra hard for a season.

The hospital has been the hardest part for me so far. Stacy needed me and me alone for those segments. Me only to comfort her through 28 hours of labor: encouraging, rubbing her back, finding new ways to help her cope with the pain…at least for the hours and hours before her epidural. Thank God for modern medicine. Without that, she would have been exhausted when baby arrived. Then I was her coach when pushing baby for 2 hours…keeping her distracted and then comforting her when she had to accept the fact that a c-section was the best way for baby to arrive. Again, thank God for modern medicine. I am so glad doctors can see that baby was turned backward in the birth canal, and that he was getting distressed by all the pushing. Why would I pursue a more “natural option” at home and miss the life-saving advantages for both mom and baby in the hospital? Sure its more expensive (a little) and they overly poke and prod my little one. I’m ok with that when it means life or death in many cases. Pregnancy is a leading cause of death in many places, modern and ancient. Thank God for modern medicine.

The other hard part about the hospital was the difficulty of getting rest. People came in every hour or so to poke and prod Stacy, to visit, and to teach us new things about parenting. A lot of the advice was helpful, the watchful eye of the doctors and nurses on Stacy and baby (who was jaundiced) was appreciated, but the pace of it all was overwhelming. I walked outside once or twice to catch my breath and avoid killing everyone. Sleep deprivation at this stage can make you crazy. Rest every chance you get before this stage…and leave the hospital for a few hours to regain your sanity. At the very least, find the chapel. Meet with God and enjoy unbroken silence, as I have only been in a few chapels where anyone else was present.

Being home is awesome…if you have a good support system. With a mom joining us to cook meals, do errands, and help with the baby (and comforting Stacy as a new mom) I was able to take my week of vacation and turn it into project time for all the things that Stacy and I have been working to do at the house. While that might sound neglectful—Stacy’s dream is to have a ranch with a garden and chickens—timing is crucial to making her dream come true. So as she adjusts to the schedule of taking care of baby (with help), I am nearby and attentive, but busy in a way that will reflect my return to work soon. She gets a pretty good deal. For my part, I usually take baby early or late—whenever she most needs a big favor, and I make sure that I never complain about helping. I change diapers or bottle feed, I clean her baby items, and I let her parents know how incredibly grateful we are that they are helping! I can’t imagine doing this without help! And one more note: Having a mother-in-law who cooks REALLY well is also awesome. I’m eating better than I have in years!

In the early hours of my son’s first day, I needed some comfort and guidance. I was tired beyond belief by the events of the past two days already, and now I was a dad. I did a quick search for Bible verses on parenting, and God gave me my first lesson as a new parent: this is not my child, it is His. Check out what I stumbled upon below:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

~ Jeremiah 1:5

Listen to me, O coastlands, and give attention, you peoples from afar. The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name.

~ Isaiah 49:1

These verses reminded me that God gets to work long before me, and that EVERY person has a role to play in God’s epic story in this world. God already has His calling on the life of Eli…I must be a good steward of him and Stacy. They are not mine, they are His, entrusted to me for this time. My job is to raise them as best as I can, and pray that God uses them as an tool to continue passing on His message of salvation to our broken world.

My love for God must drive my love for Stacy and Eli…otherwise I will be quite unloving in the ways that matter most. I cannot respond simply in terms of human love–that’s not what God desires of me. He desires me to love them with His love. To lead them with His wisdom. I will do my best, God. I am looking to you–make me a good Father, just as you are to me.

Earlier this year I sat with a friend as his wife struggled to recover from emergency surgery–her uterus had ruptured during the delivery if their third child. He went from the excitement that their little girl had arrived to facing the possibility of losing his wife and having to raise three young children as a single dad. With a wife who was 7 months into her pregnancy myself, you can say that I was also quite shaken during those events. I learned that God sends unnatural levels of peace to people in those circumstances. In my friend’s case, He also graciously restored his wife to health again. He gave them a great blessing.

Pregnancy is a dangerous affair…but it baffles me how many people expect it to go smoothly. Read the rest of this entry »

I neglected writing this post for a long time…I figured it would be controversial, and I am not one to favor arguing. Yet, while I prefer face-t0-face discussions, I felt that this topic deserved the expression of my voice…it was too important to express only silence. So here are a few of my thoughts on being a parent…

1. We are ALREADY a family, and ALREADY making an impression on another life.

This hit me when I first began to be able to feel our baby move in the womb. There’s a living, sensing, hearing person in there! Before these events, I always thought that my life would change when baby arrived…but it is changing now. I am motivated to change my behavior now…and I am honestly concerned that things that baby experiences and hears will shape them.

2. Babies deserve thoughtful, well-informed attention.

The more I read about babies, I believe this is one of the most under-appreciated aspects of our parenting paradigm in modern culture as well. Since we can’t remember our experience as a baby, or even at a young age, we assume those years aren’t that important. But more and more, I believe that the sense of security or lack of it that a baby perceives shapes them. I plan to parent intentionally at every age. I don’t want to follow the typical advice I receive of “you’ll figure it out.” I’d rather have a lot of information, so I can choose to follow the advice that I agree with, and that seems to work for my child. Why waste or ignore the advice of experts, people who’ve raised and researched hundreds of babies? Do I really want to rely on my own instincts alone? Sounds like setting myself up for an epic fail! I didn’t become who I am today by relying on my instincts alone. I won’t parent that way either!

3. The most important thing I can impart to my children is to make thoughtful decisions by my example and encouragement.

In reading about and observing parents in our community as well as around the world, I am becoming more convinced that I need to teach my children to make good decisions–to be thoughtful in choosing how they behave. There’s good reasons why parents in places like Japan can trust their children to walk to school, keep a schedule, and return safely on time. They have taught them to think and choose behavior. They aren’t simply telling them what to do–and modeling emotional demanding behavior that their children will later imitate. Don’t get me wrong–they are strategic when teaching and giving their children choice–the children don’t run the house or schedule, they simply make lots of decisions that fit within the parent’s schedule and plan.

Ah, so much to learn…so much to experience and experiment with.

Feel free to disagree…just do it face-to-face if you can. Let’s start a conversation!

Recent books that are influencing my thoughts:

Parenting without Borders

Love and Logic

The Baby Whisperer