I stood an aisle away on Saturday, listening to a parent lecture his twelve year old son as they shopped. I wish that I could say that some of the lecture was helpful, but none of it made any difference for the son or for me. The main content sounds like news clips from an old ranting preacher:

• You need to grow up and be a man
• You kids these days don’t know how to be responsible
• Your mom can’t do everything for you for the rest of your life
• Your a loser and I’ve got to compensate for you

I hope I never talk to my child like this!

First: You don’t make negative character judgements on your kid.

That only reinforces a self image that says to them, “I’m a loser. I’m incapable. I’m lazy. I’m dishonest.” Kids need to be challenged to live up to a high standard and told they can be better than their present actions make them seem. They are changeable. They are growing. Encourage and picture growth in how you talk to them. Don’t praise your children for being better than they are–if they lie, call them out on the lie. But call them out for being dishonest, don’t call them a liar. One is a poor choice or action, the other is an identity.

Second: Don’t simply tell your kids what to do all the time.

The other problem the Dad had, was he never once asked his kid to think for himself. It’s no wonder the kid is lazy and waits for you to command them…that’s all they know. Kids don’t pull down initiative and responsibility and good decision making from the sky–parents are supposed to teach it to them. If I could have told the guy one thing on Saturday, it would have been this:

If your kid is irresponsible and immature…it’s your fault.

It’s the parent’s job to teach their kid to make decisions. To do so, often times we need patience, kindness, and thoughtfulness. We need to ask good questions of our kids. We need to let them choose–even if their choice is a poor one. Experiencing the consequences of a poor decision helps them to think about their next decision and make a better choice.

Ultimately, there will come a day when our kids make choices based on their own maturity and the influence of others beyond their parents. It’s not always the parent’s fault that their kids made poor choices…but if anyone is failing children in the world today, it is their parents.